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Somewhere along the Information Superhighway I came across the tale of South of the Border, a relic of times long past. When it was first built in the 50s/60s, it was a tourist attraction and rest stop along Interstate 95 nestled just under the North Carolina border. The kitsch of the time demanded to be fed, and the South of the Border theme and concept was born. And it has not evolved one bit in the intervening time. Cut to Thanksgiving 2009. I was visiting family in South Carolina, and though I had visited them plenty of times before, I hadn't ever connected the dots- South of the Border was not even an hour's drive from the house! Clearly I was fated for this.
When we first arrived and got the car parked (parking was plentiful, I can assure you) we were struck by the number of nonsensical animals around and about throughout the place. I'm no expert on Central American fauna, but I am relatively certain that zebras and giraffes are not keeping with the theme.
Nor is the giant gorilla that greeted us from across the way. Then again- in for a penny, in for a pound. Focus was crucial to this endeavor, so a few deep breathing exercises later we decided to head for the nearest thing to where we parked.
The magnificent tower. You can't really tell from the pic, but the top of the tower is a big ole sombrero, because that's tasteful here at South of the Border. Given the overall condition of the place, there was no way in Hell we were going up in the Wonkavator to check out the view. And really, even if we had, what on Earth would there have been to see? It's pretty flat, swampy terrain around there- the view really wouldn't be any different from up high than it was from the car. But hey- arcade! Surely someplace this anachronistic will have a nice 80's experience waiting for me in the arcade, right? A little Double Dragon, maybe a Gauntlet machine... SideArms if I'm really lucky.
On the other hand, it could also be the saddest arcade known to man. This is what greeted us when we walked in, and when we turned to face the other side of the place, it didn't get any better.
No, I don't know what that gnarled piece of metal in the foreground is. I can honestly say I'd never before been in an "arcade" where I didn't play anything for fear of coming into contact with the machines, but this was not the worst part of this particular stop on the journey... that was nestled in the corner behind us.
Full disclosure: I am someone who kisses my dog on the mouth. A lot. And I'm saying right now that I wouldn't get anywhere near this ball pit. The picture doesn't do it justice. And what in the heck is it doing just sitting in a random corner of the building? At least there's no open power outlets or something like that nearby. That would be really terrible. Or maybe the theory is that you stuff a key into the outlet of your choice and burn out whatever as of yet unclassified by science ailment your body has acquired from the pit. This being our first stop on the South of the Border experience, I can at least say it helped us to prepare a bit for what was to come. A few more deep breathing exercises (once we got outside- you would be ill advised to inhale deeply indoors at South of the Border) and it was off to the next whatever it was we ambled towards.
Pedro's Coffee Shop. It's not
actually a coffee shop, and in fact I found no coffee, no shop,
no counter, no anything that would have indicated to me that
there was ever anything to do with coffee or coffee related
activities in this building.
The building we went into was actually quite sprawling - I'm not sure what it used to be, but now it has become a sparsely attended maze of miles and miles of bins full of disturbing crap. Let's start with Hats of the World.
After passing through the archway in the previous picture, we were greeted with all sorts of hats from all sorts of lands. I have to think that this was an attraction at one time, but really we were just left scratching our heads (though not nearly as much as we would have if we'd tried any of the hats on) and wondering just how long these things had been around. My wife was a bartender back in the day, and I suspect she would not have carded several of these hats. Interesting to note is how sprawling the place is - even if it wasn't so sparsely stocked it would still be huge, and this is only one section of the building. And here's another one!
There's an absolutely enormous main area that's just filled with random junk that defies categorization. But it isn't without high(low)lights!
Nasty, toothless, wood T-Rex? Yours for the amazingly low price of $75.
Little ones in your life need personalized spoons and forks? This isn't the right place to get them! See the many shades of colors that are not white in the picture? That's not lighting or camera- that's how yellowed and grimy this stuff is.
I stress again that this trip was taken at the end of 2009. And just around the corner from this...
Some strange forgotten corner of the place with random crap, fixtures, and ladders strewn about. Let's talk more about Pedro. Pedro is a character that shows up on lots of SotB merchandise, signage, you name it. He's their mascot, and has been for decades. He's all over the place, and he's a troubling artifact of times long past. I found some Pedro stickers in the shop and thought it might be cool to get some for folks as souvenirs of my descent into madness....
But seriously- no way I'm buying those, much less giving them out. I have to think there are certain regions of the country where this would probably not have lasted this long, but this place is is in a pretty rural, pretty Southern area. Hey, remember those red doors at the very back of the room?
They were locked and there was nothing behind them when we went, but legend has it they used to house a place called the "Dirty Old Man Shop." Apparently they stocked all sorts of risque stuff and the occasional adult toy, but I guess that just didn't bring the folks in like it used to. A glance around would bring you a taste of what was probably in there, though, so all is not lost:
Witty towels!
Weepy Man! He pees! HAHAHAHAHA! ...aaah, that sucked.
On the way through the building, my wife spotted a tasteful magnet of her home state. She immediately and very astutely said "Leave us out of this."
There was a T-shirt shop across the way, but my soul was already weeping at this point. We did keep walking the grounds, because I had to see Pedroland.
At some point in the history of South of the Border, it was determined that "Pedroland Park" would be fun for the whole family. We've covered the "Pedro" thing already (and we're still not done), so let's not get into their choice of naming. Just look at that list of attractions! Doesn't it make you want to go? Doesn't the completely empty parking lot under the sign just scream "destination?" Hell yeah it does! Let's check out PEDROLAND!!!
Okay, we're good.
For the high class patrons, there is (apparently) a steakhouse to serve your fine dining needs. Sure, it's in the shape of a sombrero, isn't open, and appears to be in the middle of a mud pit, but I like to think that it was bustling in some past era when tackiness held sway.
There is simply nothing to say to this that the picture doesn't convey all on its own. Okay, back to Pedro.
It was closed while we were there, but apparently in the summer months, Pedro's Concrete Bazaar is quite the hopping place for, well, concrete I suppose. It looks to be some kind of yard & garden shop based on the pics I was able to get through the windows. It's a shame it wasn't open, because this seemed like it actually could have been kind of cool.
Note that they've managed to wedge another giant sombrero into the proceedings. And what about the building itself?
There's the gigantic avatars of old-timey racism you look for in a roadside attraction! And with that, we're winding down.
There's an overpass that will get you across the highway to the other side of the complex, which houses a diner of some sort, a motor lodge, a fireworks shop (if you've spent time in the South, particularly South Carolina, you know this is probably required by law), and a grocery/convenience store of some sort. As we had no immediate need for dusty old bread or the means to maim ourselves with low-grade explosives, we skipped this side of the place.
See this sweet old truck with the garbage bags in the back? See the lettering on the door that can barely, be made out? It says "SECURITY." I feel safe. I will now leave you with the last picture I took before we called it a day and fled South of the Border. Sure, we felt like the Northern Yanks that we are. Sure, a little piece of us died that day. Sure, if I had to tell the truth it was really actually kind of awesome, albeit for all the wrong reasons... But the cherry in top of it all was right behind where we parked- the final out of place animal statue:
You can NOT convince me that bear isn't peeing in the road. |
